Spiritual Beliefs

I feel like I am trapped between two worlds of spiritual beliefs. I was born and raised as Catholic. I had gone through all seven sacraments as I was growing up. As I got older, I begin to see things differently. For short time I had turned to the darker side of Christianity, and for doing so, I realized that this was something I shouldn't fool with. I don't know if it was all in my mind from the teachings of C.C.D. classes or it was something that was actually evil. So I turned from it and never went back, but was left with nightmares that haunted me for so long. I turned back to Catholic, but started to see things a bit differently than I had before. At one time my mother had came into my room and placed something under my bed. It came from some type of plant that I have never been able to identify to this day. She Also lit a candle and recited something in Latin while rubbing another plant on my head down to my chest and then she will call my full name and I'll answer her by saying I am here. She continued on with this every night before I go to bed and she did this for a whole week. She told me that she was warding away the evil spirits that was haunting me in my dreams. For some time, the dreams went away. She did not use the usual prayer that most Catholics or Christians would use, which is very surprising to me because she is all Catholic. To me, it was some sort type of Witch Craft, white magic. Funny thing though, she is not a Witch. As I had gotten older, my nightmares were not as common as they used to be. In fact, I rarely dream, but when I do, they are just images that I can not make out. Sometimes, my nightmares would come, but not often. So as time goes on and I am older now, I felt that something had been missing in my life. I had talked to many Christians about God and Jesus and did not like or agree with them. They always put themselves above all others and looked down on Witches, Pagans, and Wicca. I know very little of there beliefs and never really thought much about it at the time. From the Catholic and Christian point of view, They are evil people that we should not encounter with. I pulled away from them because as a Catholic, I was taught, never to judge anyone at all, and we don't have that right to do so. Because of this, I strayed away from my own beliefs and became neutral. I am both good and evil and I am neither one. I do good for many people and also do bad to others. My mother even told me that is how she sees me and my sister ( who I love very much ) told me that she always sees darkness when she hears my name ( I had taken no offense to that at all ). It wasn't until a little over a year ago when I met one woman on Face Book who requested my friendship due to a topic about wolves. From her others requested my friendship as well. It wasn't until about a month or two later that my new f.b. friends were all witches, Pagans, and Wicca. They never told me what they are nor have they ever tried to lure me into their beliefs. I was the one who asked questions about their beliefs. They just answered. So now once again, I see things a lot more different than before. I reflected back on my life and realized the cruelty of Catholics and Christians. How they never practice what they preach and hold themselves higher than anyone who is not part of their beliefs. They are trying to force their religion on others and are ready to lynch them if they do not convert. So once again, I feel trapped in between. I find myself moving slowly away from my own religion. As it is, I consider myself a lost wolf who is looking for something that I can't put my finger on. Now I need to figure out what is best for me, what is it do I really want. I refuse to follow others who will not keep an open mind to other beliefs. As it is. The most evil people I had ever known up to this day are Catholics and Christians. This was from first hand experience. Some are okay and I respect them as they respect me same goes for those who are not of any form of Christianity. Maybe some day, I will solve this personal problem of mine and walk the path that I chose. Whatever it may be, I am sure it will be the right one to take. Only I can chose what is right for me. No one can do that for me.

Just Random thoughts

Well Here I am sitting in my room just thinking to myself, what have I done? Well first of all, I was a little upset about a friend who moved away. After a chat with another friend, I hope I didn't cause any problems for either one of them. I have a bad habit not telling the whole story. Sometimes I just leave some details out, because I don't want to go on with a long story and bore the other to death. I do however say things that are taken the wrong way. I do that a lot. It has caused a lot of problems with my wife, and several other people because they misinterpret what i am saying. Best thing to do is to keep my mouth shut. Which is the reason why I never actually made my blog public. It is more of a kind of journal than anything else. My personnel thoughts are written here, and the only ones who will ever read it will be the two or three people who know about it and those who stumble on to it. But who is really interested in reading boring stuff like mine? As anyone who see's this, I have zero followers and zero comments on my blogs anyway. Well, like I said, I never made it public to websites like face book. well enough of that, time to do something else other than playing on this little computer all night and morning. I'll just write more boring stuff later.

Cancer?

Well today I got off of work early as usual ( for a back stock night ), but during my time working, I noticed a girl shopping with her mother, looking at the bacon as I was restocking the shelf. Normally I don't pay much attention to our customers unless they ask me a question. Anyway, this girl caught my attention because she did not have any hair at all. My first and only thought was, cancer. I had seen lots of girls with shaved heads before, but they are usually what I call a punk rocker. This girl did not fit that image at all. She was standing in front of the precooked bacon and I can see that she was a little confused so I asked her if she needed any help at all. As turned to face me, I noticed that she was smiling, but her eyes told a different story. I saw sadness in her eyes, and for some reason, I felt it. I don't know why I felt her sadness for at all, I don't even know her nor have I ever seen her before . So I just overlooked her condition and continued with my service to her. She was a little confused about the price of a small package of precooked bacon, because there was a sells tag showing for five dollars a package. I corrected the problem and cracked a joke with her about it, telling her that we like to miss tag our product to confuse our customers. She just started laughing as I continued on with the humor, I also told her that we have another item for sell at a price for $2.97, as I pointed to an empty shelf, as I did that, I said there you go, I have nothing here for a price of $2.97. At that moment, I saw happiness fill her as she started laughing at my joke. She then tells me thank you and leaves with her mother who was also smiling at what I said. But for some reason, I can still feel her sadness as she walk away. I mumbled to myself, I wish you well and happiness. I really don't know why, I felt that way before. Some people would probably say that I am a nice guy or because I have a heart or something. Please don't think that, because I refuse to believe it. If you actually know me, then you will know what I mean. If you know my wife and ask her, she will tell you the truth about what I really am. So as the night went on, I couldn't help some of the awkwardness I felt when I was talking to this girl. There she is, with no hair, but a very beautiful face and voice, and here I am, just some guy with very long hair that nearly reaches my waist. I just wondered what she was thinking when she saw that ( if she thought anything at all ). I finally cleared my mind from it and continued to work. but of course, my depression took the better of me as the night went on. It wasn't just about the girl ( although it might of started out with her )but a lot of other things as well. Things that I just don't want to write about at this moment. Now here I am at home, writing about it here in this blog thing. I know no one will read it because I never made a big deal that I am blogging. Well I really never told anyone about it except a couple of people, but still. I am just doing this to occupy my time.

Still working this out

Okay, today I had been looking at my ( I guess you call a blog page ) and made only one change. That is the blog title. Shadow wolf at large. The reason I call it that is first of all, I like to keep a low profile and not say too much of myself because I seem say too much as is, so therefore I call it Shadow wolf. In the meantime, I like to say that I have a bit of a temper ( okay, I have a bad temper ) which is the reason I added at large, as a warning that I am on the prowl and looking for trouble ( or so it may seem ). I had not entered a description at all because I really don't have anything to say about myself. I really didn't plan to start a blog page at all. I only started one because I wanted to post comments on two of my friends blogs. The first blogger I started to follow is  Rambling  of a Creative Double Dipper ( who is a personnel friend of mine ) and the other is my philosophy in brief ( Who is another personnel friend of mine and my reason to start writing again ).So now here I am doing my own blog, but I am not going to make it public. I figured, if someone or any one stumbles to my blog and want to do follow ups, then I say go for it. I don't expect to have any followers at all so as always, I just blog for my own amusement. I am still working out the bugs to my blog page and figuring out how to work everything that this website has. Anyway, as they say, trial and error, it is the only way I am going to learn this.   

What the hell!!!!

Well this is my first here and I am trying to figure this thing out. I only set up an account just so I can post a comment on a friends blog and I end up having to create an account myself. So... for now I am just going to toy with this for awhile until I figure how this works.